Adoption Journey, Part 2

If you haven't read Part 1, you can find that here.

The end of 2017 brought more hard lessons.  As Kyle’s physical stamina began a sharp decline in the fall, we realized that we had to slow our family’s pace.  Kyle took a medical leave of absence. We learned that we had to find ways to be together more, in spite of our busy jobs and demanding schedules.  We learned that we are not invincible and we needed to make time for rest. We learned to trust our church community and pastor more. We learned to accept help.  To stop pretending that life is always easy. To say out loud when things are hard.

In November 2017 our agency told us they’d like to talk.  Deep down we knew they were going to ask us to switch countries.  All we could do was pray that God be clear if our direction was to change.

“There is a ten month old girl in the Republic of Georgia.  Her heritage is Azeri.”

I’ll never forget that moment.  Our eyes met. We both nodded. A weight was suddenly removed from our shoulders and we were released to pursue adoption in another country.

“Yes.”  Kyle answered.

“We can’t promise this exact child will be available.”

“Yes, we’ll switch to Georgia.”

And so, five and a half years into our adoption journey, we started over completely.  We had to gather every piece of paperwork all over again to have translated into a different language and submitted to a different government.  I refused to hope that the child mentioned would be ours. But my traitorous heart continually whispered…”but she IS Azeri…” On December 22nd our world stopped moving.  Kyle and Matthew were supposed to be heading out the door to catch a movie...and I received an email. Her name. Her medical needs. Her face. A video. The flurry of paperwork continued.  More pictures and videos, more medical information arrived in February. In March we learned she had been moved to foster care.

Daily I battled the mindset that nothing good could come our way, that this was bound to end in disaster.  Daily I reminded myself that God is good. That he works all things together for the good of those called according to his purpose.  The whisper of my heart, “I trust you with my children. I trust you, I trust you, I trust you.”

Miraculously, things kept moving along.  Paperwork was completed and submitted in record time.  The referral issued in June. Time slowed to a crawl as we anticipated “the call” that would give us our court date.  Lists were made, clothing gathered, a baby shower hosted, a room decorated. Still no call. Before bed each night I whined “Kyle! I’m ready to gooooo!”   Each day without a call was an excruciating reminder that I am not in control. Not in control. Not in control. My children belong to the Lord! HE alone knows the number of their days and HE alone knew the day we would meet our daughter, hold her for the first time.

The call came around 6:30 on a Wednesday night at the beginning of October.  Earlier in the day I’d gone to Target...mostly out of extreme boredom. Looking down at my phone, standing there outside the church, all rational thought left my mind.  By the area code I knew it was them! But in Georgia it was the middle of the night...so there’s no way the agency was calling with a court date...right?

“Are you ready for this?” our case manager asked.

“No. Yes. I have no idea!”  I was convinced it was more bad news.

“October 9th.  Your court date is October 9th.  Which means we need you to leave tomorrow.  Can you leave tomorrow?”

The rational thought still gone from my brain, I gave a “yes of course!” and tried to concentrate on what she told me.  As I listened, I dragged my husband out of conversation and around the corner of the building.

“IT’S THE CALL.”  I mouthed.

“What did they say?”

“October 9th.”

I resumed trying to focus while Kyle looked at his calendar.  Less than a week away. Then he quickly started sending texts to our family, pastoral staff, and a couple of friends.

When I got off the phone, I’m pretty sure I did a ridiculous dance.  I quickly raced through the church to pick Matthew up from the class where I had just dropped him off.  Calling my best friend, we agreed to meet at my house to start packing. From there, a blur of activity.  Talking to my father in law about plane tickets, my sister in law running to the store for last minute items, packing, packing, packing.  Activating international cell service, activating travel insurance, packing, packing, packing.

There was no sleep to be had that night.  I mean, I lay in bed quietly...but my brain couldn’t pause for a moment to rest.

The next day my sis in law came over to do some general cleaning and laundry folding (because she knows it would stress me out to leave those things undone) while I finished up the list of packing and prepping.  In the afternoon, my best friend and her husband returned to pick us up for the trip to the airport. We had to stop by the car shop to pick up the van that had been there a couple of days. I remember on the drive to the airport I wondered what in the world we’d gotten ourselves into.

After quick goodbyes and a prayer, Kyle, Matthew and I dragged all of our stuff into the airport.  We each had a suitcase with our own clothes (enough for about a week) and another shared suitcase with all our toiletries.  One suitcase was devoted almost completely to snacks, medicine, and various household needs to help us through the month long trip.  The last suitcase was full of little girl clothes that we hoped would fit the sweet one whose face we’d been staring at for nearly a year.  

In case you are wondering about my state of mind before we left the country, I nearly lost Kyle’s iPad and laptop going through security.  You see, when you have an insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor on your body while going through security, you have to spend extra one on one time with a friendly TSA agent.  That means your wife tries to gather all of her stuff, all of the seven year old’s stuff, and all of YOUR stuff off the moving belt before it piles up at the end of the screening area.  Soooo while Kyle spent quality time with the TSA guy, I quickly emptied buckets and stuffed our items back into backpacks. Except somehow I missed the bucket with the ipad and laptop (insert panic here).  Don’t worry!! Ten minutes and ten TSA agents later, we found it!

We arrived at the gate with plenty of time to spare, snapped a quick picture, and tried to relax.  Our first flight was to Munich, Germany and was supposed to last about 8 hours. We were flying through the night and hoped to get some sleep.  Honestly. How can any one sleep when you are on your way to meet the child you’ve been chasing after for SIX and a half YEARS??? Matthew got several hours...Kyle and I dozed off a bit.

In Munich we had a nine hour layover, followed by a shorter 4 hour flight to Tbilisi.  It was 4am on Saturday morning local time when we landed. Every sign was written in both the Georgian language and English.  We made our way through the airport to baggage claim and through the doors into the dark, cold morning. Our driver and facilitator were there to pick us up.  We loaded our luggage into the trunk and squeezed into the backseat for the trip to Akhaltsikhe where our daughter lived with her foster family.

After we left the city the road curved up, over, around the foothills of the mountainous terrain.  The sun rose behind us as we made our way west of the capital, revealing the stunning beauty of the Georgian countryside.  We pulled into the small town around 7:00 am. The guest house where we were to stay wasn’t expecting us yet, so we parked out front and our facilitator ran to the nearby breadshop to buy us a delicious fresh baked Georgian bread.  She passed it to us right away and we tore off large pieces to eat. The bread was huge--bigger than my lap--and stretched to a rounded point on opposite ends. The morning was chilly and we were hungry and so tired. The bread warmed us up as we waited for the owner of the guest house to arrive.

When our hostess arrived, she let us into the first level of the guest house.  The guest house was sandwiched in the middle of several other businesses. When walking through the door, the staircase was directly to the left, leading up to the second and third level.  The main level had an open area and two rooms, as well as a small kitchenette. The place was not truly open for business yet, but there was a couch to sit on and a little table where we could sit to eat.  We agreed to rest for about an hour while our hostess prepared us some breakfast.

Our room was located on the second floor.  The only window opened to the hallway. The bathroom was small and surprised us a bit.  I had never seen a showerhead that was simply attached to the side of the bathroom wall, drain in the floor.  To be honest, the entire bathroom was only a little larger than a typical American shower stall...and it held the sink and toilet in the same space.  As soon as we were in our room I began to settle in and make it homey as much as possible. We anticipated staying for at least five days and potentially two weeks.  With three twin beds, one nightstand, and the wardrobe for hanging clothes and a few shelves--we were a bit cramped. But in the midst of our exhaustion and excitement none of that mattered.  This was the day we would meet our daughter.

After a very short rest and quick showers, we met our facilitator and driver on the first level for a quick meal: boiled eggs, sausages (think hotdogs), a variety of cookies, fruit, and tea or instant coffee.  I can’t say any of us had much of an appetite. Too little sleep, too much excitement. And so it was time to go.

You can find part 3 here!

Adoption Journey, Part 1

Putting our six and a half year long adoption story into written words is a daunting task, but one I feel I must do.  To forget the lessons of these last several years would be devastating. Much of our story has been shared in pieces here and there through the blog we used to update friends and family along the way.  But I want to put everything down in one place. Being able to look back on the entire journey to see how God was working all along--to see how he loved us every moment of every day--to see our faith justified and to know we are justified by our faith--I hope it will be an encouragement to me to be able to sit down and look back in future days.

Kyle and I always planned to adopt.  Kyle spent time in college working in orphanages in Mexico, and I have a sister and two cousins who are adopted.  Even before we were married there was never a question in our minds as to whether or not we adopt. Our firstborn, Matthew, came into our family easily.  Got pregnant just when we wanted to, easy pregnancy, easy delivery. Easy baby, all things considered. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I love to follow a plan.  So I had our lives mapped out: Three biological kids before I turned 30 and got too old (insert eyeroll here--now age 32...who says 30 is old?!?!), then adopt from an international orphanage.  Of course I hadn’t yet learned that life doesn’t typically follow the plans I set.

And so God dropped his first of many bombshells.  In April 2012, before our firstborn was even one year old, I was in our bedroom, Matthew napping in his bedroom.  I think it must have been a rare day when I decided to make the bed. And in a moment I had the clearest impression from the Lord.  This had happened to me twice before. The Lord speaks to us in many ways, through pastors and other Christians, through his Word. And sometimes I hear him through these moments of clarity.  Moments in which a knowledge is planted in my mind and heart and I feel no doubt about it. A certainty.  

The first time I felt that way was in June 2004.  I was headed home from a babysitting job. Having just graduated from high school, I was feeling on top of the world.  I was driving up a hill, dreaming about college life and the big wide world in front of me. Suddenly I had this certainty in my heart and mind that I would be married to a youth pastor.  I remember being bewildered and thinking how strange that I would think that...but the thought didn’t seem to be from me. It was like a whisper in my soul of a future God had for me. It wasn’t until a few months later I developed an enormous crush on the guy I would eventually marry.  I another month after that before I found out his plans to be a youth pastor. I still found the concept of pastor’s wife hard to believe and didn’t breathe a word of it to Kyle until after he proposed.

I was in college the second time I felt a certainty from the Lord.  I came awake suddenly in the middle of the night. I was afraid and sure that I needed to pray for someone.  I wasn’t sure why or what could be wrong, but I just had to pray. So I started by praying for each of my family members, begging God for protection, but I felt no peace.  Next I moved on to Kyle’s family, praying for him, his parents, and each of his sisters...begging God to be present...praying blindly. After that I was able to fall back asleep.  The next day, Kyle called to tell me one of his sisters had been in a horrible car accident the night before.

So when this feeling of certainty came upon me, I knew I needed to listen.  I know not to blindly follow every thought that pops into my mind, but when I suspect the Lord is speaking to me, I know to prayerfully consider the thing in my heart and mind.  And this time the message was clear. Why were we planning to wait so long to adopt? Children need a home now. Why were we going the “easy” (for us) route of biological kids first, when the Bible so clearly calls us to care for orphans?  I gave Kyle a call and passed it on to him. “I think God wants us to go ahead and start the adoption process…”

He was stunned.  Asked for time to pray.  Called me back within a half hour to tell me his heart was telling him the same thing.  God didn’t want us to wait on this direction he’d given each of us before we were married.  It was time to start the process now.

The first thing we needed to do was decide where to adopt from.  With international adoption, you often choose an agency based on where you want to adopt from.  So we prayed and searched, looking at various agencies and the countries they worked with. We felt strongly that we should adopt from a place where a child living in an institution would be unlikely to be adopted.  In the end, the Lord led us to Azerbaijan. Very few agencies worked in Azerbaijan and they all warned us to expect it to take 12-24 months. I remember that felt like FOREVER...but we were confident it was where the Lord was leading us to adopt from.

From the moment we signed a contract with an agency, our sunshine and roses expectations on adoption took a quick downhill turn.  Within a few months our adoption agency went out of business because so many of their clients were adopting from Russia when the country banned US adoptions.  We had a new stack of paperwork with a new agency to begin.  

After completing the home study and gathering all the documents, we thought things were turning around.  We got our dossier translated and submitted and then began the waiting process...only to find out our agency no longer felt having an adoption program in Azerbaijan was viable.  We were asked to select another country. After prayer, we just didn’t feel released from an adoption from Azerbaijan. So we went to the only other agency in the US facilitating adoptions in Azerbaijan.  Our translated dossier was lost, the original returned to our doorstep. And so we started over again.  

This time it took over a year to compile the paperwork, get it translated, and then submitted.  And then the wait. Ohhh the waiting. It was excruciating to wait but even though we were more than two years into the journey...certainly longer than we expected...we were confident this was the direction God wanted us to walk.  And so we waited.

In the midst of the waiting I began to wonder if we were doing the right thing.  Life is hard in the waiting room. The doubts grow large and God’s voice begins to feel so small.  I questioned our direction. I begged God to show us another country, an easier way. Where would you have us go?  Where else can we pursue adoption? The next morning God responded with a resounding “Be Still” in the form of an acquaintance showing up on a rainy day to deliver gifts purchased in Azerbaijan for our future son or daughter.

After many months, another bombshell.  Our third adoption agency was not able to keep up with the financial requirements for the Hague convention and would have to cease their program in Azerbaijan.  We found out at the end of an incredibly hard summer. We had realized over the course of several months that something was wrong with Kyle. His ability to manage stress and pressure from work and life in general didn’t seem right.  We realized he needed to see a doctor. Through that process we had learned in the spring of 2016 that Kyle suffered from anxiety and depression. We began a process of counseling and medication for treatment. That summer Kyle had tried a series of unsuccessful medications that made various symptoms worse and significantly scarier.  At the end of an incredibly difficult family vacation, we learned of our third agency’s financial dilemma. As far as we knew, there was no other agency working in Azerbaijan.  

We spent the trip home that day discussing our options.  Choose a new country? China? Take a break and go for a biological kid?  It had been over four years since we’d made the decision to adopt. Did we hear Him wrong?

Then came another call.  Our second agency was willing to give it another try in Azerbaijan.  They would work with us. As we began paperwork again to transfer our case, we got a call from our adoption agency, telling us of a little boy in Ethiopia if we were interested.  How could we say no? After four and a half years, we just wanted to be a family for a child who needed one! We wanted a sibling for our boy. Another child to love.

Unfortunately this time the roadblock was with our home study agency.  Because of how volatile adoption in Ethiopia was at the time, they were unwilling to write a homestudy for that country.  He needed to go to another family.  

At the time, almost everyone in our families was pregnant.  My brother’s wife, two of Kyle’s sisters. And then me. We found out in October 2016.  Baby was due in June 2017. The joy of that moment only lasted for a few days before the bleeding began.  A little a first. Probably nothing. It happens all the time. It’s normal. Then a little more. It’s worrisome.  There could be a problem. And then the gush. And then it seemed to be too much. And the ER. And the ultrasound. “Your womb is empty.”  The day before the miscarriage, Kyle felt God pointing him to this verse:

“Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  

But I have prayed for you...that your faith may not fail.  

And when you have turned back,

strengthen your brothers.”

Luke 22:31-32

It was the lowest point in our lives up to that point.  Kyle’s diagnosis of diabetes early in our marriage paled in comparison.  I was angry. SO ANGRY. HOW could God DO this to US? Had we not suffered enough??  He had taken my plans. Kyle’s health. Now a child? I knew the questions I had to answer.  Did I trust God with my plans? Did I trust God with my husband? Did I trust God with my children?  My plans are not my own. My husband’s life is not mine to choose. And my children. Every one of them.  Every day of their lives. My children belong to the Lord.

I lost hope.  I doubted God’s goodness. I told him “I still choose you.”  But I said it with resignation. As if we were locked in a battle and He had won.  A few weeks after our miscarriage I wrote in my journal:

But what about hope?  That is my question.  

What about hope? Cause that word has been following 

me around and I don’t seem to have any 

and I can’t figure out where to find it.

This season.  Teach me to hope again.

However, by the end of January, my heart had begun to heal. In my journal I wrote:

Somehow you brought me through the dark days at the end of 2016.

I don’t even know when or how--only that I’m still standing and not by my own power.

And somehow, in my heart, I find hope.  As I cling to you and release my dreams one by one...there is hope.  How does that work? It must be a gift you’ve given.

Little did we know, on the other side of the world, our daughter was born that month, struggling but alive.  Experiencing the loss of her first family, the reality of an orphanage. And the hope of a God who saw her in her first mother’s womb and had a plan for her days.

And so we resumed the waiting.  Again, we felt that the Lord wanted us to continue the wait in Azerbaijan.  Now, however, we waited with a new patience and a slower pace. I learned to enjoy the here and now while waiting.  To enjoy life as a family of three and spend less time looking toward and wishing for the future. As 2017 progressed, another sister of Kyle’s found out she was pregnant.  All of our siblings (with the exception of my sister in middle school) would have babies born in 2017. Except us. Even so, we continued to wait. We stopped trying to look elsewhere for the child.  God led us to Azerbaijan...so from Azerbaijan we expected our child to come.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Surgery Time

There was a time when we hadn’t seen this sweet face.  A time when we didn’t know her name or even her gender.  I remember the waiting like it was a different lifetime.  It changed me.  Or rather, God has changed me as he has carried and pushed and prodded me along this journey.  

She made me totally crazy the other day.  We had just gotten back from Matthew’s swim practice and she had a baggie of Cheerios she’d been munching on at practice.  As we came into the house, she sat on a stool to watch some tv with her brother while she finished her “O’s.”  Then she very purposefully turned the bag over and spilled.them.all.  

“Uh Oh.”

“Eliana.  Pick up the O’s and put them back in the bag.”

No movement.

“Eliana, clean up your mess.”

Nothing.  

“Eliana Faith.  When we make a mess, we clean it up!  Pick up the cheerios and put them back in the bag!”

One Cheerio picked up.

Two.  Wait.  That Cheerio is stuck to her hand.  Noooow she’s freaking out because her hand is dirty.

“We’ll clean up your hands after the mess is picked up.  Pick up the O’s!”

Well this continued on for much too long.  Picking up one or two Cheerios, freaking out because her hand was dirty, refusing to clean more.  On and on and on.  Finally I got up (from my comfy spot on the couch where I was enjoying a cup of coffee) to help her out.  We have a set of kid sized cleaning tools so I grabbed the hand broom and dust pan.  Taking her hands in mine, we held the cleaning tools together and had the mess cleaned up in no time.  Something that was impossibly frustrating for her, when done with help from mommy became not only easy, but fun.

And in my heart the whisper was, “Becca, she is you.  When you feel frustrated and unequal to “cleaning up the mess,” you need My help.”  Funny how often the Lord uses our kiddos to teach us things about ourselves and his love for us.

With surgery on Wednesday, I really need the Lord to hold my hands and show me what to do.  The next few weeks are shaping up to be very challenging.

We’ll arrive at VCU at 6am on Wednesday morning.  Eliana is scheduled to be in the OR at 7:30.  Surgery will begin with draining fluid from her ears and placing tubes.  After that a hearing test will be done to ensure the hearing nerve is functioning correctly.  Next, the genetic team will draw blood for genetic testing.  The final and lengthiest part of the surgery will be the palate repair.  The cranio-facial surgeon estimates that Eliana will be in the OR around 3-4 hours.  Then when she is in recovery and cleaned up we will be allowed to go back to her.

We will stay in the hospital for 24-48 hours after surgery.  After Eliana has relearned to breathe and swallow with a new roof of her mouth and nasal floor, we will be released from the hospital to come home.  From there we will have about one week of alternating acetaminophen and ibuprofen around the clock to manage pain.   For three (or maybe up to six) weeks after surgery Eliana will be eating a liquid diet.  Smoothies, applesauce, yogurt, ice cream, Pediasure, etc.  We will have to eliminate many of Eliana’s favorite foods.  No bread, no bananas, no oatmeal, no cheese, no goldfish, etc.  Also no you can’t hold your spoon, no you can’t hold your toothbrush and no you can’t go swimming.

As a little one who started her life in the orphanage, the food restrictions are likely to be difficult for Eliana.  She often looks for food in new places or uncomfortable situations.  It makes her feel safe to know she has access to her favorite foods.  With the all liquid diet, there is a good chance we could see some setbacks in the progress we’ve made as a family in the last nine months.  I know we will push through and Eliana will recover, but it will be difficult in the meantime.  I’m anticipating many, many meltdowns over the next few weeks.  I’ll need an extra measure of patience and compassion as we navigate this as a family.  Matthew, Kyle and I will likely need to eat our meals and snacks in a different room or at a time when Eliana is sleeping.  Sleep could be hard to come by.  And of course, Kyle still has the summer student ministry schedule in full swing.  He will be leaving one mission trip early to join us for surgery.  He will be in town for about a week after surgery…then he leaves for another mission trip.  So for a significant portion of Eliana’s recovery, it’ll be Matthew and I holding down the fort.  

SooooOOoooo.  Let me give you some bullet points on how to pray:
*Pray that the palate repair would be successful!  It is possible that some holes will open up again after surgery.  Pray that nothing would happen to damage the work done by the surgeon!
*Pray that Eliana’s pain would be well managed and that we can bring her comfort while she is so uncomfortable.
*Pray for Kyle as he continues to work as a pastor while caring for his family.  Pray God would guide him moment by moment on where to focus his attention.  Pray that God would provide for Kyle’s health and rest throughout so much busyness!
*Pray for Becca as she cares for Matthew and Eliana each day.  Pray for peace in the midst of chaos.  Pray for patience and compassion and maybe some good sleep, too.
*Pray for big brother Matthew.  He really is just the sweetest, kindest big brother.  Pray that he would be able to enjoy his last few weeks of summer.  Pray that he would be compassionate and understanding as he is asked to do many things on his own and for himself while mom’s attention is on sister.
*Pray that our family bond would be strengthened through this time and that Eliana would learn to trust us even more through this difficult time in her little life!
*And please, let's not forget to praise the Lord that our sweet girl is HERE and part of our family.  She brings us so much joy!

As I’ve said so many times before, we so appreciate all of the love and support from so many friends and family near and far throughout so many years!

Six Months Home

I just came down from tucking our daughter into bed.

Our daughter.  That will never get old.

I find that as the days pass I am increasingly more in awe of how the Lord wove together the pieces of our story and her story.  When I look around I see His kindness in the timing...in the waiting. Daily I look at our little answered prayer and think, “Really?  She is really truly here? She is part of our family forever?”

Our lives have shifted so significantly in the last six months.  We knew bringing Eliana into our lives would change our family, but in the same way we didn’t know what was coming when Matthew was born, we really had no idea what was coming with this one, either!

April 20th marked six months since we landed in DC.  Our girl continues to amaze us with how well she is adjusting.  Eliana is still mostly unable to form recognizable words with her mouth due to the unrepaired cleft palate.  Instead, she has learned and uses over 100 signs to communicate. Eliana knows signs for all her favorite foods, toys, clothes, people, a few emotions, and lots of animals!  She tries to speak verbally and of course we are encouraging her to be verbal as much as possible--but the signs have alleviated so much frustration at an inability to talk about the world around her.

We have recently started putting Eliana in a Sunday morning class and she LOVES it.  I also love it because it means Kyle and I can finally sit in church together again! Our family has also been able to start attending our weeknight Connect Group again and Kyle and I have also managed to go on a couple of dates, thanks to our favorite babysitter ;).  

We are working through the process of re-adopting Eliana here in the grand ole USA so she can have a Virginia “birth certificate” of foreign birth, which will be helpful with obtaining a US passport and someday driver’s license and future jobs, etc.

As far as Eliana’s medical needs, she had dental surgery on April 1 to finally give her a break from the pain of her teeth decaying.  She had four teeth pulled, many cavities filled, 12 teeth capped, one baby root canal, and the final four teeth got sealed. Eliana was totally back to herself after about 24 hours and has been better and better ever since.  We’ve noticed she tries to talk more now that she isn’t in pain and while she still drools it isn’t nearly as much as before when she would soak through her shirt in minutes. In mid July Eliana will have surgery to repair her palate and place tubes in her ears as well as some medical testing.

Eliana’s attachment to us is undeniable and seems to continually grow healthier with time.  We’ve gone through many different stages as she has learned to trust us. Like the “if I cry at night they’ll come hold me” stage.  Or the “wait, are you going to leave me here?” stage. Or the “I guess if you want me to open my mouth for yet another doctor I will” stage.  We are still in the “new people who are super nice to me and make eye contact freak me out at first because Mom and Dad were super nice and they took me home with them” stage.  But it is all part of the process! Even the harder stages show growth, and I’m thankful for people who remind me of that when I’m pulling my hair out over lost sleep!

Matthew continues to be such a great big brother.  He has learned signs along with Eliana and often helps family or babysitters understand her.  They play together so well and Matthew is good about letting us know when he needs a break or wants some one on one time with Mommy or Daddy.

Now, I don’t want to paint the picture that life after adoption is a piece of cake.  If you’ve followed along from the beginning you know I like to keep it real here. For me, the most difficult adjustment has been a lack of face to face eye contact with other people!  Let me explain...As the mommy of a little girl who is old enough to speak in sentences but can only do that with her hands, I am her interpreter. When I am with her, I am looking at her.  Constantly. I narrate her signs to the people she wants to talk to and I respond when she wants to talk about something new. When we have a playdate, I’m calling out across the room or yard or playground “Trees, she’s telling you about the trees!”  “Ball! She is signing ball, she wants to play ball with you.” “Help? You are asking for help? I’ll come help you!”

I am an introvert whose “love language” is quality time.  I love to sit across a table from a person and look them in the eye and talk about real stuff.  But I’ve got to tell you...that is hard to do when my eyes are glued to my girl! These six months have been much lonelier than I expected.

With Kyle’s increased responsibilities at work and Eliana’s needs at home, I find myself in a very different stage of life.  No longer a teacher...unable to be very involved with ministry at church. I’ve come to realize that my ministry right now, my purpose in this season is to serve the Lord by serving my family.  I know this stage won’t last forever...and if there’s anything the Lord has taught me these last seven years it is that he has me where he wants me. I need only to be still. To love where I am and who I am with.  Not to spend my days looking for the next season but to serve Him in the season where He has me today.

I’m so grateful for the journey that God set us on seven years ago.  It was hard. Some places were very dark. I’ve learned that God does in fact give us so much more than we can handle.  And that is the point. When you’ve finally fallen apart--when you are broken down from the brokenness in the world and you look at Him and say “I don’t understand you, but I still choose you, I still trust you.”  There is where you find peace. There is where you find hope. We don’t get ourselves through the impossible seasons...he does. If your season is impossible, there is hope...although it won’t be found in the plans you set out for yourself.  I am under no illusion that life is going to be all fairy dust from here on. But I hope and I pray that the things God has shown me about myself and about his goodness will stick with me whenever the next valley shows its face.

One Month Home

It’s the weirdest thing.  I’m sitting here on my couch, dinner (taco soup from my freezer meal stash) warming up on the stove and beside me is a little girl child, head on my shoulder.  She’s alternating between watching me type and watching the Little Baby Bum music videos on Netflix. Y’all. Bow in her hair. Grins at me every time I turn my head to look at her.  Right beside me. We have a daughter!

She is so smart and funny.  Also adorable. When she rolls around and is silly her hair gets staticy and stands on end.  She loves to play with this Melissa & Doug ice cream set. She loves peek-a-boo and chase with Matthew and playing outside.  She tries to fit inside the Little People princess castle but mommy and daddy say she is too big! Peanut butter bread, oatmeal, and bananas are her favorite.  She sleeps well at night, although she prefers mommy to sit in her room till she falls asleep. She recently learned that if she cries at night, mommy will come and snuggle (this is a really good thing in the adoption world).  After a few weeks she is still nervous around the dog, but finally started to pet him a few days ago!!!

Matthew is an amazing big brother--as we knew he would be.  He did tell me one night that adopting a sister has been harder than he thought it would be, but also just as awesome as he thought it would be. He is so sweet and patient with her.  It’s certainly been an adjustment going from only child for 7.5 years to big brother status...but we are trying to find ways to spend special time with him, one-on-one, whenever possible.

We took Eliana to the VCU International Adoption Clinic last week.  It was a good visit….but to say she doesn’t like other people touching her is an understatement.  Yikes. The doctor had good things to say and her suggestions moving forward were just what we expected---no surprises so far!  She will visit with the cranio-facial surgeon in December to begin the process of evaluating and repairing the cleft palate.

Language has been challenging for Eliana because of the cleft.  She isn’t able to make any sounds that involve the roof of her mouth.  She understands most of what we say and will obey tasks asked of her (take this to the trash, pick that up, come here, sit down, etc.) but is not really able to speak in return.  Of course, she wouldn’t normally have very many words at this point because she’s not yet 2 years old. She’s also on her third language (Georgian in the orphanage, Armenian with the foster family, and now English) so I’m sure that affects language development, too.  To compensate, we are working on some sign language so she has a way to communicate back with us. She has been very expressive with her hands since we met her, so we’re trying to use more signs that can help her when she needs or wants something.

This month has been full of so many wins and so many reinforcements that she is adjusting well!  It hasn’t been a cake walk everyday, of course. This past weekend was probably the hardest, with Kyle out of town for a youth retreat, me struggling through a nasty cold, Eliana sick as well, and then Kyle coming home early from the retreat with a stomach virus!  Fortunately Kyle’s parents were in town and took Matthew over to my sis-in-law's house for most of the weekend!! The support from so many in our community has truly carried us through the last month. Meals delivered, a freezer stuffed with meals to thaw and cook, family and friends who helped with bedtime routines when Kyle had to travel, people doing yard work and sending gift cards for future meals, people picking up Matthew for church or birthday parties….I could go on and on.  All of this has allowed us to focus on helping Eliana adjust to our family, home, and routines.

Looking ahead, we are hoping to try out church soon!  Watching the service streaming on You-Tube just isn’t the same.  I miss my church family! We’re trying to introduce new experiences slowly to test her reactions.  Today we tried Target for the first time and picked up some Christmas ornaments that can be the beginning of Eliana’s ornament stash (she was amazed and even started clapping at one point as we were walking through the Christmas section).  I can’t wait to see her reaction when we put up the Christmas tree later this week!!

It is so incredible to wake up each day and look into the face of an answered prayer.  To see her eyes and hear her laugh. To hold her when she is tired or just needs a snuggle.  God has been so faithful. And how many times did y’all remind us that the timing would all make sense when we finally had her home??  Here she is, and we wouldn’t have changed a single day.

One Week Home

I could also call this one, When Will Becca Learn to Stop Making Plans?!?

We have been home with our precious girl for a whole week.   She is so wonderful. Matthew agrees. He says she is cute AND funny!  She has brought us so much joy and we are doing our best to bring her the same.  She is not able to speak much, although she seems to understand our questions and simple instructions.  We think her palate is limiting the sounds she makes….so her vocabulary currently consists of “Mama” (that’s me AND Kyle), “Maa” (That would be big brother Matthew), “Mo” for more, and “Mah” pretty much covers everything else.  Her favorite games include “peek a boo” and running round and round with Matthew. When she misses Matthew during the school day, she sits in the dining room and looks at the family photos on the wall. It’s precious. I can’t wait to get some that include Eliana!

This week has gone exactly nothing like I expected.  Due to some difficult circumstances in our church, we agreed that Kyle needed to return to work right away.  Matthew returned to school on Tuesday, so I’ve spent quite a bit of time alone with my girly. I’ve been so thankful for my sis-in-law who has been willing to drop everything and come help me at a moment’s notice!

In spite of the drastic changes to our “cocoon” this week, Eliana is adjusting so so well.  She is eating and sleeping very well. She plays alone and with us. She laughs often. She comes to us when she is scared or worried or sad or hungry or tired.  Even our social worker commented on how amazing Eliana’s adjustment seems to be after such a short time. We are so thankful for God’s provision in this area. It is so clear that he has been preparing her heart for this time.

Moving forward I don’t plan to post much here.  The goal of the blog was always to keep people up to date on our journey to “brother/sister.”  I’ll let you know how things are going after a month and when she has surgery, and maybe a year home?  And for those of you who attend church with us--you’ll probably see us sooner than expected. With everything going on, I am looking forward to being with our church family as soon as is healthy for Eliana.  For those who saw us Wednesday, thank you for kind words and also for your distance! We will continue to keep Eliana close for a while and ask everyone to give her space, even if we are in church. It turns out she is a ham in front of an audience but very nervous in more personal, one on one interactions with new people.  We want to ease her into the number of people who love her!!

We’ll never be able to thank all of you enough for the prayers and support through the years of this journey.  It has left us forever changed.

When We Come Home

Before I get to the rest of this post, a quick update!

We got our girl and physically became a family of 4 on Thursday, October 11, 2018.  I will never forget those moments as we said goodbye to Eliana's foster family.  As we drove away, even Kyle and I cried over the heartache of the transition.  Eliana did not cry right away because it was her nap time!  She went right to sleep in my arms.  Later, as we drove 3 hours to Tbilisi, she alternated between waking and sleeping.  When she woke she was clearly confused and cried a bit--even threw up on me at one point.  However, when we arrived in Tbilisi and over the past few days she has adjusted to us miraculously well.  She has such a playful and active disposition!  She loves to eat and is sleeping well, thank goodness!

We have completed all of the necessary paperwork within our control at this point.  Court decree, birth certificate, adoption certificate, passport, medical.  Now we are waiting for the US Embassy in Tbilisi to issue our Visa interview appointment.  That will determine how much longer we are here.  It could be that they want us within the next few days and we will be home in a week!!  OR it could be a couple of weeks until they are able to see us.  We will keep you posted!!!

DISCLAIMER:  This rest of this is a very long post.  It is especially meant for our family and friends as well as the people who live nearby and are accustomed to seeing us on a regular basis.  If you fall into one of those categories, please take the time to read this and understand.

When we come home...life will be different for a while.

You know, when Matthew was born, there was a revolving door at the hospital.  I remember it all so well.  Our good friends the Capecis arrived with Chick-fil-a and held our tiny human so we could eat.  2 of Kyle's sisters arrived and held him so I could shower.  Mom, Dad, and my niece arrived the next day.  Several of the pastors that work with Kyle came to visit.  Other friends...the Morrows, the Nances, the Edivans, the Andersons...and that was all before we left the hospital!  When we arrived home so many friends and families from church and MSM brought food and checked on us.  Unless I was feeding Matthew, they all got to give him a quick snuggle.  When Matthew was not quite 2 weeks old Kyle's parents came to visit.  My brother came.  Uncle Matt Matt came.  When he was 6 weeks old I took him on an airplane to Alabama where he met even more family and people who loved him.  I'm a big supporter of church nursery, so when Matthew was only 2 months old, he started spending Sunday mornings in the church nursery while I visited once an hour to feed and check on him.

Matthew's life has not been perfect--no fairy dust around here.  In his little life he has experienced many hard things--the hardest probably being the miscarriage I had when he was five.  He still brings it up, almost two years later.  Still wishes for that baby, still asks why God would make a baby only to take it away.  But in spite of experiencing loss, Matthew has had a very solid foundation in life as a part of a family.  He has known from birth that these two people, Mom and Dad, would care for him.  If he cried from hunger, cried from being uncomfortable, cried from loneliness--he knew we would come.  He knew this because we showed him.  Over and over and over and over and over and over again.  And that was just day one.  On day two we showed him again and again that he could count on us.  And year after year we have confirmed what he knows--Mom and Dad are there for me, they meet my needs.  They fight for me, they keep me safe.  They love me.

For a child who spends time in an orphanage, life is viewed through a different lens.  I am not going to use this blog to air Eliana's life story--because that is her story to tell.  But I will give you two highlights that I hope will help you understand the decisions we will make when we come home.  First--Eliana went home to the orphanage from the hospital when she was three and a half weeks old, and Second--Eliana went to live with a foster family when she was 14 months old...and has been there since then.  Now, of course we've barely begun to know our daughter and we do not know every detail of her day to day life like we do with Matthew.  So these thoughts I'm sharing here are based on research done by professionals, shared with us through social workers, the books we have read, and adoption classes we have attended over the years.

***Side note: When you've been trying to adopt for 6 years, you get to take part in A LOT of training courses.....Now we get to put what we've learned into practice...

When you start your life in an orphanage, you learn a few things.  First, that the big people change your diapers and clothing and feed you.  You are one of many, many kids, so you don't get much direct interaction--at least not compared with a child who went from the hospital directly into the arms of one or two parents.  Eye contact happens less often, fewer snuggles, needs are not met right away.  Meal time as an infant is not a time of sweet snuggles and eye contact.  It is a test of how many bottles one person can hold at a time.  Bath time is not a time of eye contact and babbling.  It is a measure of how quickly and thoroughly a slippery baby can be washed so the next one can take a turn.

Please hear me on this---I have no condemnation for workers in orphanages around the world.  I remember how hard it is to take care of one baby.  I can't imagine having a building full of 50 or more kids aged 0-6 needing round the clock care.  I believe that the vast majority of these people are doing the very best that they can to care for these children.

But adoption comes from loss, and by the age of 1, Eliana had experienced more loss than most of us have at this point in our adult lives.  She lost her mom, her dad, and the opportunities that she would have had every single day to thrive in a loving home, if only this world weren't broken.  By the time Eliana went into foster care, she had no concept of "family" and no idea what having a mom or dad meant.

Kids who begin life in these circumstances often learn to cope in one of two ways.  Some learn that their needs won't be met with tears, and so they don't.  Ever.  They don't cry when they are hungry, or wet, or scared, or lonely.  I know, some of you are thinking--super!  Wish my kid would learn not to cry all the time.  Please don't mistake this for a good thing.  If your child is sitting in a very yucky messy diaper, as much as you may not want to deal with it---you DO want them to let you know that they are needing some assistance.  When your baby is hungry, you want them to be able to cry or ask for food--whichever is age appropriate.  If your child is scared about something that happened at school or church or with a babysitter, you want them to talk to you about that!  A child who has learned that no one is going to meet their needs is in a devastating situation.

On the other hand, some kids learn that if they are super cute and affectionate, their needs are met faster or with more frequency.  If I'm hungry or thirsty, I can go to that adult and give a smile and a hug and they will offer me a treat.  These kids, when adopted, tend to "love" everyone they see.  They give hugs to random strangers and acquaintances and family with abandon.  At a glance these kids seem to be so extroverted and cheerful...but this, too, is terrifying to consider.  Imagine for a moment your toddler.  Imagine going to a public place and your child is willing to run up to and hug any stranger.  Imagine your toddler not understanding that YOU are mom or dad.  Imagine that your toddler sees any adult as a means to obtaining what they need, and all they have to do is smile.

Makes you feel a little sick, right?

When she was just over a year old, Eliana went to live with a foster family in a small town in the middle of the mountains.  The family consists of a mother, father, two teenage daughters, and a grandmother.  Over the last 6 months, Eliana has been learning the idea of family.  Rather than the kids vastly outnumbering the adults, she is one young child to the 5 grown or nearly grown family members.  With her foster family, Eliana was happy and well cared for and these are good signs of Eliana's ability to grasp belonging to a family.  But of course...our arrival disrupted that.

We know that our disruption of Eliana's life in the country will benefit her in the long run.  We will be her family forever, while the foster family was always meant to be temporary.  But after spending about a third of her life with them, it will be yet another major loss in Eliana's life.

SO.  Here we are.  A family of four, hoping to be on our way home in a week, maybe a little more.  With alllll of this information in mind, and remembering that we are still getting to know our little girl--here are some things we are planning to do/not do when we come home:

1. Make our World very, very Small.  For Eliana, every single thing in her world is changing.  Home, family, language, name.  All of it.  When we walk through the front doors of our home, it might be a while before Eliana goes back out (Correction--she will have to go to a lot of doctor appointments...other than that we will stay home).  The vast amount of change she will be going through will need time to settle.  Research supports adoptive families staying close to home for a while so that the adopted kiddo can focus on learning the family and attaching to each member while the adoptive family works on learning the same.  In the adoption world, this is often called "cocooning."  During this time, we will be very intentional to not over-stimulate Eliana.  We will play with simple toys, keep the tv to a minimum, read books and cuddle.  We will meet her needs as quickly as they arise so she can begin to learn the meaning of Mom and Dad.  We will play outside and inside and walk to the bus stop and maybe the neighborhood playground.  But that is as far as we will go.  Matthew will still go to school and Kyle will go to work as well as work from home whenever possible so he can be a consistent presence and participate in bonding, as well.

How long?!  We can't know for sure.  Experts recommend one month for every year of her life before placement.  That would be about 2 months in Eliana's case.  But we are not going to put a timeline on this.  We are going to spend our time getting to know our daughter's cues so that in the future when we venture out we know if/when she is overwhelmed.

2. Accept Help.  This is sometimes hard for me, but I am already coaching myself that when we get home I'll need to be super focused on Eliana's needs, as well as tuned in to Matthew and how he is adjusting to not being an only child anymore!  I'll need to be intentional in supporting my husband as he parents along with me in all of this as well as supporting our family with his job!  Cooking healthy meals might become challenging for a bit.  Running errands will be hard to do when we aren't actually leaving the house!  I will need help.  I know our community pretty well at this point and I expect that many people will want to bring a meal or pick up groceries.  Yes, please!!!  I do want you to know that we probably won't invite you in.  When you came to meet Matthew, we passed him right over to you.  That won't be the case with Eliana.  You won't be holding her for a long while--remember, we need to teach her that Mom and Dad are the ones who meet her needs--including cuddles.  You might get to see her when you stop by, and if you do--please wave and say hi!  She is very social and loves people, although she is sometimes shy at first.  If Matthew comes to the door PLEASE talk to him and give him some attention!  He is going to have his world rocked when he learns what it means to be a big brother.

3. Go To Church.  Now don't ask me when, but some Sunday morning I'll wake up and feel like it is the right time to go.  Matthew and Kyle will have been there for a while.  At first I'll only come in during the 10:15 hour to be with my group of 7th grade girls.  Kyle will hold Eliana and hide in the Underground (where our middle school ministry meets) and he won't let anyone touch her.  You might see Kyle hand Eliana off to her Aunt Kayla or Uncle Steven for a moment or two.  But Kyle, Aunt Kayla, and Uncle Steven will all be VERY protective of Eliana.  Please don't try to give her anything or touch or hold her.  Remember--even after we venture out of the house, research supports that Mom and Dad be the only ones meeting ALL of Eliana's needs for a loooong while.  This will reinforce to her little brain the true meaning of Mom and Dad.

Then a day will come when you'll see us sneak into the sanctuary at church.  We'll probably sneak in through the side door and go to our usual seats.  Eliana will be with us during the service for a long time rather than going to children's ministry (again, the need-meeting thing).  Will she like the music or be overwhelmed?  Will she sit quietly or be noisy?  I have no idea.  And how she reacts to those things will affect how we proceed.  Maybe she will sit quietly and play and we will be able to sit through the service...maybe we'll have to sit in the back to sneak in and out...If you see us, please feel free to wave or stop by for a quick hello!  But if we cut the conversation short and leave suddenly--trust us that we aren't blowing you off!  We likely saw something in Eliana or Matthew that made us realize we needed to get back to home base.

4. Introduce new people slowly.  For the people who are consistently part of our world, we will be introducing you into Eliana's life slowly, gradually, over time--and we will use Eliana's personality and reactions to new situations and people to guide us.  Using our typical schedule as a family, we will broaden her little world bit by bit.  We will likely introduce our bus stop friends first...cause guess what--we see them twice a day every day!  From there we hope to bring our local family into the cocoon a bit because they will be a consistent part of her life from now on.  Over time we hope to invite friends over to meet Eliana--again, as she seems ready.  Research overwhelmingly supports keeping life simple and small during the adjustment period.  "Hotel Kelley" won't be open for a while...so if out of town friends and family come to visit they won't be able to stay with us while Eliana adjusts to the idea of her immediate family.  Having other visitors come to stay for a week and then go can contribute to the anxiety that comes with beginning life in a setting where caretakers come and go frequently.   She needs to see Mommy, Daddy, and Matthew are consistent in her life.

And finally.....Here are some things you can do when we come home to help with this process:

1. Check on us.  We aren't great at asking for help or reaching out when things are hard.  Send a text or make a phone call and ask how it is going.

2. Offer help.  This could be with meals or errands.  If your kids are friends with Matthew it could be inviting him over and offering to transport him places.  Maybe you have the spiritual gift of ice cream and you want to bring us a treat! ;)

3. Hang Out with Us! We may not be able to have everyone over at once or go out to dinner with you while Eliana is adjusting, but there are other ways to socialize!  Invite Kyle for an after bedtime board game night or invite me out for a girls night!  We are bound to get a little stir crazy while "cocooning."  Being able to see our friends will make us healthier for each other and our kids.

4. Acknowledge Matthew! I've seen this happen in the past--A new sibling is adopted or born into the family and the other kids are suddenly overlooked.  If you see us out and about, would you please be sure to say hello to Matthew, too?  He might be shy if he doesn't know you well--but it is so important that he not feel ignored when Eliana joins the family.  We want to do our best to foster good relationship and bonding between Matthew and Eliana, and you guys can help by making sure he isn't left out when you say hello to our family.

5. Give Eliana Space.  Whether she seems to want space or not, please, please give her space.  If she comes to you wanting to be picked up or wanting another need met--point her to us, call us over.  Please ask before giving her a hug or kiss, and don't be offended if we say no.  Help us teach her that we are Mom and Dad and that WE are the ones she can count on 100% of the time.  Beyond that, please don't reach out to touch her hands or cheek.  Eliana may not have had the same level of vaccination most children have had at her age.  We will work with the International Adoption Clinic to get her caught up, but until then she will be vulnerable to many sicknesses and we'd like to keep her healthy!

6. Pray for us.  As our social worker pointed out to us in August--after six years in the adoption process, we are actually more at risk to feel a bit depressed after returning home.  We have been in this process so very long and we have looked forward to God bringing this child into our family!  And finally it is happening!!  We know that adding another child to our family might be challenging and that this is not a "happily ever after" sort of world--but going through the reality might be a shock to our systems.  Obviously we are hoping that we won't struggle---but as the news headlines repeatedly remind us--depression is a real thing that cannot be controlled by wishful thinking.  Please pray for physical, mental, and emotional strength and stamina in the coming days, weeks, and months!

Well.  If you've read this far, you deserve a medal or something.  Thank you for the millionth time for all your love and support!!  We truly appreciate all of you!!