When We Come Home

Before I get to the rest of this post, a quick update!

We got our girl and physically became a family of 4 on Thursday, October 11, 2018.  I will never forget those moments as we said goodbye to Eliana's foster family.  As we drove away, even Kyle and I cried over the heartache of the transition.  Eliana did not cry right away because it was her nap time!  She went right to sleep in my arms.  Later, as we drove 3 hours to Tbilisi, she alternated between waking and sleeping.  When she woke she was clearly confused and cried a bit--even threw up on me at one point.  However, when we arrived in Tbilisi and over the past few days she has adjusted to us miraculously well.  She has such a playful and active disposition!  She loves to eat and is sleeping well, thank goodness!

We have completed all of the necessary paperwork within our control at this point.  Court decree, birth certificate, adoption certificate, passport, medical.  Now we are waiting for the US Embassy in Tbilisi to issue our Visa interview appointment.  That will determine how much longer we are here.  It could be that they want us within the next few days and we will be home in a week!!  OR it could be a couple of weeks until they are able to see us.  We will keep you posted!!!

DISCLAIMER:  This rest of this is a very long post.  It is especially meant for our family and friends as well as the people who live nearby and are accustomed to seeing us on a regular basis.  If you fall into one of those categories, please take the time to read this and understand.

When we come home...life will be different for a while.

You know, when Matthew was born, there was a revolving door at the hospital.  I remember it all so well.  Our good friends the Capecis arrived with Chick-fil-a and held our tiny human so we could eat.  2 of Kyle's sisters arrived and held him so I could shower.  Mom, Dad, and my niece arrived the next day.  Several of the pastors that work with Kyle came to visit.  Other friends...the Morrows, the Nances, the Edivans, the Andersons...and that was all before we left the hospital!  When we arrived home so many friends and families from church and MSM brought food and checked on us.  Unless I was feeding Matthew, they all got to give him a quick snuggle.  When Matthew was not quite 2 weeks old Kyle's parents came to visit.  My brother came.  Uncle Matt Matt came.  When he was 6 weeks old I took him on an airplane to Alabama where he met even more family and people who loved him.  I'm a big supporter of church nursery, so when Matthew was only 2 months old, he started spending Sunday mornings in the church nursery while I visited once an hour to feed and check on him.

Matthew's life has not been perfect--no fairy dust around here.  In his little life he has experienced many hard things--the hardest probably being the miscarriage I had when he was five.  He still brings it up, almost two years later.  Still wishes for that baby, still asks why God would make a baby only to take it away.  But in spite of experiencing loss, Matthew has had a very solid foundation in life as a part of a family.  He has known from birth that these two people, Mom and Dad, would care for him.  If he cried from hunger, cried from being uncomfortable, cried from loneliness--he knew we would come.  He knew this because we showed him.  Over and over and over and over and over and over again.  And that was just day one.  On day two we showed him again and again that he could count on us.  And year after year we have confirmed what he knows--Mom and Dad are there for me, they meet my needs.  They fight for me, they keep me safe.  They love me.

For a child who spends time in an orphanage, life is viewed through a different lens.  I am not going to use this blog to air Eliana's life story--because that is her story to tell.  But I will give you two highlights that I hope will help you understand the decisions we will make when we come home.  First--Eliana went home to the orphanage from the hospital when she was three and a half weeks old, and Second--Eliana went to live with a foster family when she was 14 months old...and has been there since then.  Now, of course we've barely begun to know our daughter and we do not know every detail of her day to day life like we do with Matthew.  So these thoughts I'm sharing here are based on research done by professionals, shared with us through social workers, the books we have read, and adoption classes we have attended over the years.

***Side note: When you've been trying to adopt for 6 years, you get to take part in A LOT of training courses.....Now we get to put what we've learned into practice...

When you start your life in an orphanage, you learn a few things.  First, that the big people change your diapers and clothing and feed you.  You are one of many, many kids, so you don't get much direct interaction--at least not compared with a child who went from the hospital directly into the arms of one or two parents.  Eye contact happens less often, fewer snuggles, needs are not met right away.  Meal time as an infant is not a time of sweet snuggles and eye contact.  It is a test of how many bottles one person can hold at a time.  Bath time is not a time of eye contact and babbling.  It is a measure of how quickly and thoroughly a slippery baby can be washed so the next one can take a turn.

Please hear me on this---I have no condemnation for workers in orphanages around the world.  I remember how hard it is to take care of one baby.  I can't imagine having a building full of 50 or more kids aged 0-6 needing round the clock care.  I believe that the vast majority of these people are doing the very best that they can to care for these children.

But adoption comes from loss, and by the age of 1, Eliana had experienced more loss than most of us have at this point in our adult lives.  She lost her mom, her dad, and the opportunities that she would have had every single day to thrive in a loving home, if only this world weren't broken.  By the time Eliana went into foster care, she had no concept of "family" and no idea what having a mom or dad meant.

Kids who begin life in these circumstances often learn to cope in one of two ways.  Some learn that their needs won't be met with tears, and so they don't.  Ever.  They don't cry when they are hungry, or wet, or scared, or lonely.  I know, some of you are thinking--super!  Wish my kid would learn not to cry all the time.  Please don't mistake this for a good thing.  If your child is sitting in a very yucky messy diaper, as much as you may not want to deal with it---you DO want them to let you know that they are needing some assistance.  When your baby is hungry, you want them to be able to cry or ask for food--whichever is age appropriate.  If your child is scared about something that happened at school or church or with a babysitter, you want them to talk to you about that!  A child who has learned that no one is going to meet their needs is in a devastating situation.

On the other hand, some kids learn that if they are super cute and affectionate, their needs are met faster or with more frequency.  If I'm hungry or thirsty, I can go to that adult and give a smile and a hug and they will offer me a treat.  These kids, when adopted, tend to "love" everyone they see.  They give hugs to random strangers and acquaintances and family with abandon.  At a glance these kids seem to be so extroverted and cheerful...but this, too, is terrifying to consider.  Imagine for a moment your toddler.  Imagine going to a public place and your child is willing to run up to and hug any stranger.  Imagine your toddler not understanding that YOU are mom or dad.  Imagine that your toddler sees any adult as a means to obtaining what they need, and all they have to do is smile.

Makes you feel a little sick, right?

When she was just over a year old, Eliana went to live with a foster family in a small town in the middle of the mountains.  The family consists of a mother, father, two teenage daughters, and a grandmother.  Over the last 6 months, Eliana has been learning the idea of family.  Rather than the kids vastly outnumbering the adults, she is one young child to the 5 grown or nearly grown family members.  With her foster family, Eliana was happy and well cared for and these are good signs of Eliana's ability to grasp belonging to a family.  But of course...our arrival disrupted that.

We know that our disruption of Eliana's life in the country will benefit her in the long run.  We will be her family forever, while the foster family was always meant to be temporary.  But after spending about a third of her life with them, it will be yet another major loss in Eliana's life.

SO.  Here we are.  A family of four, hoping to be on our way home in a week, maybe a little more.  With alllll of this information in mind, and remembering that we are still getting to know our little girl--here are some things we are planning to do/not do when we come home:

1. Make our World very, very Small.  For Eliana, every single thing in her world is changing.  Home, family, language, name.  All of it.  When we walk through the front doors of our home, it might be a while before Eliana goes back out (Correction--she will have to go to a lot of doctor appointments...other than that we will stay home).  The vast amount of change she will be going through will need time to settle.  Research supports adoptive families staying close to home for a while so that the adopted kiddo can focus on learning the family and attaching to each member while the adoptive family works on learning the same.  In the adoption world, this is often called "cocooning."  During this time, we will be very intentional to not over-stimulate Eliana.  We will play with simple toys, keep the tv to a minimum, read books and cuddle.  We will meet her needs as quickly as they arise so she can begin to learn the meaning of Mom and Dad.  We will play outside and inside and walk to the bus stop and maybe the neighborhood playground.  But that is as far as we will go.  Matthew will still go to school and Kyle will go to work as well as work from home whenever possible so he can be a consistent presence and participate in bonding, as well.

How long?!  We can't know for sure.  Experts recommend one month for every year of her life before placement.  That would be about 2 months in Eliana's case.  But we are not going to put a timeline on this.  We are going to spend our time getting to know our daughter's cues so that in the future when we venture out we know if/when she is overwhelmed.

2. Accept Help.  This is sometimes hard for me, but I am already coaching myself that when we get home I'll need to be super focused on Eliana's needs, as well as tuned in to Matthew and how he is adjusting to not being an only child anymore!  I'll need to be intentional in supporting my husband as he parents along with me in all of this as well as supporting our family with his job!  Cooking healthy meals might become challenging for a bit.  Running errands will be hard to do when we aren't actually leaving the house!  I will need help.  I know our community pretty well at this point and I expect that many people will want to bring a meal or pick up groceries.  Yes, please!!!  I do want you to know that we probably won't invite you in.  When you came to meet Matthew, we passed him right over to you.  That won't be the case with Eliana.  You won't be holding her for a long while--remember, we need to teach her that Mom and Dad are the ones who meet her needs--including cuddles.  You might get to see her when you stop by, and if you do--please wave and say hi!  She is very social and loves people, although she is sometimes shy at first.  If Matthew comes to the door PLEASE talk to him and give him some attention!  He is going to have his world rocked when he learns what it means to be a big brother.

3. Go To Church.  Now don't ask me when, but some Sunday morning I'll wake up and feel like it is the right time to go.  Matthew and Kyle will have been there for a while.  At first I'll only come in during the 10:15 hour to be with my group of 7th grade girls.  Kyle will hold Eliana and hide in the Underground (where our middle school ministry meets) and he won't let anyone touch her.  You might see Kyle hand Eliana off to her Aunt Kayla or Uncle Steven for a moment or two.  But Kyle, Aunt Kayla, and Uncle Steven will all be VERY protective of Eliana.  Please don't try to give her anything or touch or hold her.  Remember--even after we venture out of the house, research supports that Mom and Dad be the only ones meeting ALL of Eliana's needs for a loooong while.  This will reinforce to her little brain the true meaning of Mom and Dad.

Then a day will come when you'll see us sneak into the sanctuary at church.  We'll probably sneak in through the side door and go to our usual seats.  Eliana will be with us during the service for a long time rather than going to children's ministry (again, the need-meeting thing).  Will she like the music or be overwhelmed?  Will she sit quietly or be noisy?  I have no idea.  And how she reacts to those things will affect how we proceed.  Maybe she will sit quietly and play and we will be able to sit through the service...maybe we'll have to sit in the back to sneak in and out...If you see us, please feel free to wave or stop by for a quick hello!  But if we cut the conversation short and leave suddenly--trust us that we aren't blowing you off!  We likely saw something in Eliana or Matthew that made us realize we needed to get back to home base.

4. Introduce new people slowly.  For the people who are consistently part of our world, we will be introducing you into Eliana's life slowly, gradually, over time--and we will use Eliana's personality and reactions to new situations and people to guide us.  Using our typical schedule as a family, we will broaden her little world bit by bit.  We will likely introduce our bus stop friends first...cause guess what--we see them twice a day every day!  From there we hope to bring our local family into the cocoon a bit because they will be a consistent part of her life from now on.  Over time we hope to invite friends over to meet Eliana--again, as she seems ready.  Research overwhelmingly supports keeping life simple and small during the adjustment period.  "Hotel Kelley" won't be open for a while...so if out of town friends and family come to visit they won't be able to stay with us while Eliana adjusts to the idea of her immediate family.  Having other visitors come to stay for a week and then go can contribute to the anxiety that comes with beginning life in a setting where caretakers come and go frequently.   She needs to see Mommy, Daddy, and Matthew are consistent in her life.

And finally.....Here are some things you can do when we come home to help with this process:

1. Check on us.  We aren't great at asking for help or reaching out when things are hard.  Send a text or make a phone call and ask how it is going.

2. Offer help.  This could be with meals or errands.  If your kids are friends with Matthew it could be inviting him over and offering to transport him places.  Maybe you have the spiritual gift of ice cream and you want to bring us a treat! ;)

3. Hang Out with Us! We may not be able to have everyone over at once or go out to dinner with you while Eliana is adjusting, but there are other ways to socialize!  Invite Kyle for an after bedtime board game night or invite me out for a girls night!  We are bound to get a little stir crazy while "cocooning."  Being able to see our friends will make us healthier for each other and our kids.

4. Acknowledge Matthew! I've seen this happen in the past--A new sibling is adopted or born into the family and the other kids are suddenly overlooked.  If you see us out and about, would you please be sure to say hello to Matthew, too?  He might be shy if he doesn't know you well--but it is so important that he not feel ignored when Eliana joins the family.  We want to do our best to foster good relationship and bonding between Matthew and Eliana, and you guys can help by making sure he isn't left out when you say hello to our family.

5. Give Eliana Space.  Whether she seems to want space or not, please, please give her space.  If she comes to you wanting to be picked up or wanting another need met--point her to us, call us over.  Please ask before giving her a hug or kiss, and don't be offended if we say no.  Help us teach her that we are Mom and Dad and that WE are the ones she can count on 100% of the time.  Beyond that, please don't reach out to touch her hands or cheek.  Eliana may not have had the same level of vaccination most children have had at her age.  We will work with the International Adoption Clinic to get her caught up, but until then she will be vulnerable to many sicknesses and we'd like to keep her healthy!

6. Pray for us.  As our social worker pointed out to us in August--after six years in the adoption process, we are actually more at risk to feel a bit depressed after returning home.  We have been in this process so very long and we have looked forward to God bringing this child into our family!  And finally it is happening!!  We know that adding another child to our family might be challenging and that this is not a "happily ever after" sort of world--but going through the reality might be a shock to our systems.  Obviously we are hoping that we won't struggle---but as the news headlines repeatedly remind us--depression is a real thing that cannot be controlled by wishful thinking.  Please pray for physical, mental, and emotional strength and stamina in the coming days, weeks, and months!

Well.  If you've read this far, you deserve a medal or something.  Thank you for the millionth time for all your love and support!!  We truly appreciate all of you!!