I Will Only Sing Your Praise

I so much don’t want to write this update right now.  But I’m sitting here in my too quiet house trying to spend time with the Lord and drink my coffee and I can’t seem to get the post out of my head so I figure maybe that’s the Spirit telling me to get it done.  So.

Ah, where to start.

Well, a few weeks ago I had this dream. So vivid.  I had a paper in my hand--the referral! And there was a picture in the top right corner...a little girl.  She was four years old.  White shirt.  Holding a stuffed animal.  Dark hair, dark eyes.  Even her birthday was there--June 24th.  Two days before mine.

But then I woke up.  It wasn’t real.

Aaron (our worship pastor) talked about dreams that are better than reality at church yesterday.  That sadness you feel when you wake up and find it was just a dream.  But then reminded us that whatever plans the Lord has for us are better than we could ever dream.  Lord, please?

A couple of weeks passed with very little communication from our agency.

I wrote a letter to our little one.  I told our sweet child how very much the Lord loves him...her…(stupid pronouns).  Claimed some verses for our kiddo:

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thourghts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

5 You hem me in behind and before and you lay your hand upon me.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

I take comfort knowing that although I don’t know my child, I don’t know when I’ll meet my child, I don’t know the plan--God does.  None of this is surprising to Him.  And the Lord is watching over our little one.  He knows all of the days.  

So Thursday morning (last week) I was drawn back to this verse that I have visited so often in the last few years

Wrote it out on pretty paper and hung it above my kitchen sink.  A reminder that I am forced to look at every time I wash my dishes.

And I started listening to a new song...but I’ll get there in a minute.

Finally after a few weeks of very little and very vague conversation with our agency, I got a call that afternoon.

Aida is moving on...we’ll be working with a new contact in AZ.  That’s ok, I don’t love change, but that’s ok.

And an explanation--The orphanages in AZ aren’t registering their orphans with the central authority (state committee) like they are supposed to.  You see, when a child is available for adoption, the orphanage is supposed to register them.  But if a child gets adopted, the funding for that orphanage decreases--they get funding based on the number of kids they care for.  And I get it--they have a budget and an enormous task--to care for so many children.  So the state committee has no way of knowing what children are available for adoption, and the orphanages have no motivation for registering kids, and there is no one enforcing the system.

I’ll spare you all the details of the conversation, but suffice it to say it is likely to be a while.  Sure--God can bring a miracle whenever and however he wants.  But miracles aside, we are waiting for a random orphanage to randomly decided to register a random child who happens to fit our profile.

The question was put before us--do you want to send your dossier to another country?

I’m sorry---I know some of you probably think we are crazy.  But we just do not feel released from Azerbaijan.  Maybe one day the Lord will send us to a different country...but right now we don’t feel a draw anywhere else.

So with the home study expiring in May we are preparing to go through all of the paperwork and background checks, medicals, etc. again.  

It’s hard.  It hurts.  I don’t understand God’s plan.

But I trust it.

Finally I am at a point where I can tell you that it breaks my heart that we likely have a lot more time ahead of us to wait----and yet I trust the Lord.  I believe that He knows what is best.  He can see what I can’t.  Doesn’t change the hurt.  Doesn’t take away the tears.  But we won’t sink.

And the day I learned all of this--that morning--I started listening to this song on repeat.  And I’ve been listening to it all weekend.

"Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)"

Take this fainted heart

Take these tainted hands

Wash me in Your love

Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost

I'll praise You

Even when I have no song

I'll praise You

Even when it's hard to find the words

Louder then I'll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight

Take these ocean tears

Hold me through the trial

Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost

I'll praise You

Even when it hurts like hell

I'll praise You

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I'll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You

You are all You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You

You are all You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes

I'll praise You

Even when the fight is won

I'll praise You

Even when my time on earth is done

Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

PS If you haven't noticed it, I added an adoption timeline on the right side of the blog webpage. You won't see it if you are reading on a phone or tablet unless you scroll to the bottom of the page and click "view web version."