When the answer is no

What do you do when you dare to hope
when you say, "Ok God.  I'm gonna just pray big things and ask for it..."
When you think "Surely this time.  This summer.  I mean really, surely a year from now..."

What do you do when the answer is still no?

When eight months after telling the facebook world the secret prayer in your heart
*August 23.  Lord, let it be done by then*
Eight months, and you are still waiting on translations.

Translations.

Not waiting for approval.
Not waiting for a referral.
Not waiting for a court date.

Translations.

"How long will it take to translate the dossier?"
"Oh, only a couple of weeks."

And you are all so kind to ask me how things are going with the adoption.  Family, friends, church members, neighbors.

Raise your hand if I have accidentally rolled my eyes at you in the past 5 months or so??
I promise I'm not rolling my eyes at you.  I know you ask because you care.  It's just.

EIGHT MONTHS FOR TRANSLATIONS???




To be perfectly honest with you  (cause at this point I may as well be, right?) Last August 23rd as I lay in bed late at night, I was daring to ask God for something I figured would be happening anyway.  I mean, I knew it would require Him to move things along and all---but after being in this process since April 2012, I figured SURELY we would be wrapping things up by August 23rd 2015.  OF COURSE He will say YES this time.

But he didn't.  We are not going to have a new little one in our home on August 23, 2015.  The bedroom is still empty.  The walls aren't painted.  The generic bedspread still covers the bed.  There are no pictures on the wall.  The only clothes in the closet are the ones Matthew has outgrown, and one that says "Big Brother" in big blue letters that he will probably never wear because he will outgrow it soon.

You know, he was just telling his best friend yesterday that he couldn't wait to meet his brother or sister.  To which his buddy responded "Me either!  I get to meet mine first!"  Yep.  That is probably true.

And yet the only real disappointment here is mine.  God hasn't changed.  Sure, He said no.  But what does that really mess up?  What does that prove?

Only that I'm not in charge here.

I told Kyle recently that the real reason this adoption is so hard for me is that I have these plans.  And I can't stand that my plans are constantly being annihilated.

What is the balance between asking God for big things and trusting in His timing and His plan?

I have no idea.

I sit on our little one's bed every day to pray for him/her (OH FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN USE ONE PRONOUN).  And each day as I write out the prayer in my heart, I feel like the Holy Spirit holds up a mirror for me to look at what He sees.

My faith is so weak.
I am so fragile.
I am not worthy of the love God continually shows me.

And yet, He continues to love me.  Not by giving me what I want when I want it (anyone who has spent anytime with children knows that isn't really love).

He loves me daily in so many ways.

Through His Word.
"Wait for me,"  He says.
"Be strong, take heart, wait for me."
(Psalm 27)

Through a song
"Faith makes a fool of what makes sense
But grace found my heart where logic ends
When justice called for all my debts
The Friend of sinners came instead"
Here Now (Madness)~Hillsong

A text from a friend
"Praying these specifics today!   Love you all....Brother sister is going to be so blessed and excited to be in your arms very soon!  Trusting with you! Hugs!"

A reminder from someone who is praying while checking the weather in Baku.
"Praying for your kiddo tonight! It's chilly in Baku..."

A facebook message out of the blue
"I woke up with you on my mind today.  Prayed for you and wanted you to know that the Lord is bringing you to mind!  Praying today is a big day in your journey!"

He has even been known to love me through tiny red shot glasses full of Diet Dr. Pepper and a few friends around the kitchen table.

He loves me through my 4 year old.
"Mommy, can we snuggle?"  So glad I have him.

He loves me by saving me---and letting me keep my salvation no matter how many times I doubt Him!  How does that make sense?

And yet I believe it to be true.  And if I can't make sense of something that is the most foundational truth of my life, why do I expect to make sense of such a long adoption process?

I can't explain it.  I don't know why.  But I do know that God called us to this.  And I know that we won't stop unless we hear clearly from God that we should.

This is long.  I'm going to stop now.  I'll leave you with these two things:
1. We are still waiting on 7 documents (out of 24) to be translated and sent back to our agency.  I won't go into the whole story now, but I will tell you that we ended up having the Azerbaijani embassy in DC do the translations.  The seven documents we are still waiting on include the four largest documents in the dossier (home study, home study addendum, tax return, and bank statements).  I have no idea when they will be finished.
2.  If you have Netflix, you should take an hour and a half one evening and watch Stuck.  It is a documentary about international adoption that gives a good overview of the politics that can cause adoptions to drag out for extended periods of time.

Thank you for continuing to stick it out with us for so long.  Keep praying for our little one!  It is HOT in Baku this time of year!