When the answer is yes

Oh, what a difficult feeling it is when you beg God for something day after day for a year and the answer is no.  I told you all about how that feels in my last post.

But over the last month, my eyes have been opened to all of the ways God is also saying YES to my prayers.

I was reading my Bible on August 25...two days after God chose not to give me what I wanted...a completed adoption.  Hidden away in my bedroom, I sat in my comfy chair by the window with my coffee mug and a heart full of questions, doubts, and bitterness over what felt like such a loss to me--an adoption that was no closer to ending than it had been 9 months before.  I was reading in Genesis that day...but it was not penetrating my heart.  Often when my heart is heavy, I turn to the Psalms to find one that will communicate what I'm feeling.  So many times over the years, the Spirit has led me to a psalm that says what I feel...and I pray it to the Lord.

As I flipped through at random, my eyes scanning for a phrase or a word that might ease what I was feeling, I came across Psalm 73.  The phrase that caught my eye was "God is indeed good to Israel."

Over the last several months, I have started to doubt God's goodness.  I hope you don't mind me being real with you.  I know I'm married to a pastor and all, but my faith is still the faith of a human.  I didn't doubt His power, his strength, his knowledge.  But I wondered why, why, why would he drag this adoption out so very long?  There is a child out there who needs a home!  What is taking so long?

I saw this phrase about God's goodness to his people.  So I began to read.

The first half of this psalm is full of moaning and groaning by the author.  He, like me, was doubting God's goodness.  He was wondering if it was really worth it to follow the Lord.  If there was really any benefit to following the Lord.

I've read psalms like this before and thought they were strange...the doubting, the questions...they didn't make sense to me!  But this time, I found my heart saying, "Yeah!  What good are You???"  But then I hit verse 21-22.

"When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded, I was a fool and didn't understand;  I was an unthinking animal toward you."

Oh.  That's me.  It was like a slap to the face.  That's me!  That's my heart.  Embittered!  Talking to God like I know better than He does about how things should work.

When I told our small group about it I pulled up a different version on my phone by accident.  And that version actually said "I was a stupid animal toward you."

Ouch.

But I kept reading.  The psalmist talks about how God is always with him.  How being with God is his biggest desire.  Then verse 28, the end of this psalm:

"But as for me, God's presence is my good.  I have made the Lord God my refuge so I can tell about all You do."

God's presence is my good.  A completed adoption is not my good.  A "Yes" to everything I ask for is not my good.  God's presence is my good.

And I knew that to be true in that moment because His presence was so real to me.  So sweet.  Like when you come home after a bad day at school and your mom or dad just gives you a hug.  And it is so good.

I apologized then and there for the bitterness that had taken root in my heart.  And it was gone!  And I am forgiven.

And then I realized something...I've been praying for a very long time that above all, I would trust Him.  I wrote about that back in January.  As I sat on my chair, marveling at how light my heart felt with the bitterness gone, I realized that God had answered that prayer with His presence, and it made me trust Him.

Don't misunderstand me.  Trusting God doesn't mean that life becomes a piece of cake and you never get frustrated again.  It doesn't mean that you never doubt again.  It means that you choose for your heart to be anchored above and you aren't blown over every time something doesn't go your way.

This last week has been more good news, more times where God has answered, "YES."  The translations are completed and on their way to Azerbaijan!  We met with our social worker to update the home study and were hoping and praying that we wouldn't have to do a third round of background checks, medicals, and records.  And we don't!!  Another YES!

I've been dancing and singing praises.  I'm so thankful for progress!  I'm so thankful for "Yes!"  But more than anything, I'm so thankful that God is helping me trust Him...that He "holds my right hand and guides me with His counsel." (Psalm 73:23-24)

So what now?

We are waiting for the state committee to review our dossier and approve us.
We are hoping they won't want any additional paper work.
We are preparing to file for an extension with immigration since the last one expires soon.

"How much longer?"  I've been asked that a few times over the weekend.
Honestly?
We could be done by Christmas--just a few months.
More likely it will be sometime after that.
We could hit more huge road blocks and an indefinite amount of time.

God knows what the future holds.  So we're going to concentrate on clinging to His hand and following His counsel and living in the goodness of His Presence.  When He tells ME the plan, I'll let you know!