My God Has Answered

He gave us her heritage first.  Azerbaijani.  And we’ve spent six years chasing her down.

Later—years later—he gave us her gender through a dream.  A girl.  She never left my heart after that dream of the girl with dark hair and dark eyes.

We tried to find her in Azerbaijan. China.  Ethiopia.  But, as my daddy would say, those children were not reassigned to our family.

We wanted to give up.  Move on. Have more biological children.  But that was not His plan. 

She was born in January 2017 as God was piecing us together again after some of our darkest days...but we didn’t know. 

It wasn’t until the summer of 2017 that he told us what her name would be.

Eliana Faith

Eliana: a Hebrew name meaning “my God has answered.”

And on November 29th he told us where to find her.  Not in the country of her heritage...but in a neighboring country where hers is the largest minority.

The Republic of Georgia.

We first learned of her existence that day.  A ten month old with Azerbaijani heritage.

And three days before Christmas we saw her face.  Our hearts stood still but time could not.  Kyle and Matthew were headed to the movies.  Was she the one?  Was she the child?  The brother/sister we’ve been searching for? Waiting for?

February brought more pictures and a stack of paperwork...remaking the dossier took about three months.

After three dossiers...

Five immigration approvals...

Six years...

At least a dozen background checks by various agencies...

After 2,190+ days...

Buckets of tears and learning to live here and now...

After learning to give up on our plans...learning to trust in the Lord’s timing...

We’ve received her referral.  My God has answered!

The paperwork is stacking up again. But look ahead...do you see it?  The light, there in the distance.  There is a door swinging open and we didn’t have to pry it open! 

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord! Be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:13-14

So Very Close

So very close.

So close I feel like my heart will crawl out of my skin and fly across the ocean and over a continent to find this one child.

So close it is hard to concentrate on the here and now because I want to peer into the future! The moment we get the referral...will we laugh or cry or shout out our joy?  What will Matthew say when he sees the picture?  How will he react?  I want a glimpse of our first moments together...I want to know what it will feel like to pick up this little person and introduce myself as mommy.

The list is forming in my mind. Nursery, clothes, what to pack? Researching, wondering, hoping.

But afraid.  So afraid to do anything, to change anything, to plan anything yet.  Not yet. Not until we have the referral that says this one, this child.

Our dossier has been approved in Georgia.

Two documents are making their way around the world right now...two final pieces to complete the dossier.  Then we wait for the referral.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord! Be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"--Psalm 27: 13-14

Faith Has Work To Do

Faith is a funny thing.

While my mind spends time running possible scenarios and telling me there is no hope and no way we will adopt this little one with the dark hair and dark eyes…

While my heart is running away with hopes and dreams and planning for that shy smile to come here and be forever home…

Faith has work to do.  And faith requires work.  Faith says, “It doesn’t matter.  Best case scenario, worst case scenario.  It is all beside the point.”

Faith says that all my wondering and wandering are meaningless because God is in control.  My mind can lay out every possible outcome and my heart can run away dreaming about the best possibilities.  But faith says simply to trust that God’s plan is just and it is good and that “He works out all things for the good of those called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Faith reminds me constantly of truth.  When I calculate for the hundredth time, the thousandth time when my dreams might come to pass, faith reminds to say “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:15).

When I wonder about the days and hours to come, faith tells me again and again “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16).

But this faith?  Where did it come from?  I haven’t been like this throughout the journey.  It has grown through trials, through stumbling, through lack of faith.  Faith has grown in my life in spite of me. Yes, I’ve had to choose faith in God through the pain of life’s circumstances.  Time after time I’ve told the Lord, “I don’t understand you, I don’t know why, but I trust you.” Faith requires work, but with a simple decision it grows exponentially! How can this be?

Tuesday Kyle spent the day in Richmond visiting the Virginia Secretary of State’s office to get all of our documents apostilled.  We met in the parking lot of my school to trade the envelope containing all of the work of the last 4 months. Matthew and I stopped by the bank for a cashier’s check then zipped over to FedEx.  The guy at the counter recognizes me by now, knows I come to mail adoption paperwork. When I placed the dossier documents on the counter, fancy gold seals shining on the front pages, he raised his eyebrows and looked at me.  “I need to mail these...they are very important.” He nodded, understanding my meaning. He put the flimsy envelope away, grabbed a small box, added the stack of documents along with packing materials and assured me it would arrive safely.  

This is the third time we have assembled and mailed a dossier.  Every time it feels like sending a small child somewhere alone, unsupervised!  Matthew and I said a quick prayer as we drove away.

Wednesday the dossier arrived at our adoption agency.  They checked everything over one last time and sent word: “Your documents are on their way to Georgia.”

And now?  We wait.

This child with the shy smile?  Maybe we will meet one day soon.  But maybe we won’t. Maybe someone else will adopt this little one--we can’t know the future.  But all the days of this little person’s life are written in God’s book. We are praying daily for this little one.  We learned that the placement has changed from orphanage to foster care….we don’t know what the implications are. But we’ve added the foster family to our prayers.  

And above all, we are thankful for the faith God has grown in us as we wait to see what the future holds.

Things are happening...

Y’all.

Things are happening and the excitement is terrifying and I’m so scared to say it out loud.

Also---lots of unofficial, not done yet stuff going on here.  So I’m going to give the edited version and leave out some information so I can ask you to be praying, but I promise to give more details as soon as things are more official!  

We are switching countries.  That started back in November.  SO much paperwork.  We are almost done with the home study update.  Once that is complete we will be waiting for immigration again.  We’ve gathered most of our dossier documents.  Everything will be notarized and then apostilled (remember, that’s where the Secretary of State of the state in which the document was notarized puts his/her stamp on the document as well).  We’ve had our blood tests and TB tests (still clear in case you were concerned).  We’ve had our backgrounds checked yet again by state police and social services.  Still have to be checked by FBI and USCIS (immigration).

Paperwork. Ugh.

Why?  Why did God, after six years, release us from Azerbaijan?

We *THINK* (I’ve learned not to speak with certainty about this sort of thing)...we think it is because of this child.  This child in the Republic of Georgia who was just about to be available for adoption whose heritage is Azerbaijani.  Yes, seriously.  Our agency mentioned the child in conversation when they asked us to consider switching countries.  We were on speaker phone, sitting on the curved couch in our living room, phone on the table.  Our eyes met and we both nodded.  We’ve been asked this question so many times before!  Always, always we’ve felt caution and asked for time to pray.  This time it was like a weight was lifted suddenly.  We nodded!  Kyle spoke for us.  Yes, let’s do it.  Let’s switch countries.

They reminded us a few times that this child--there was no way to guarantee.  We understand.  Not ours.  But maybe….maybe God’s plan is beginning to unfold.

On December 22 they sent us a picture and a video and the world stopped turning for several minutes.  Did you not feel that???  My sis in law has a habit of being in my house when crazy things happen related to our adoption.  I couldn’t even form coherent sentences.  I just demanded that she come and look.  Then I made her promise not to say a word. Sorry, Kayla!!

But still, this child is not ours.  Not yet.  Not promised to us.  We wrote a letter to the official people over there and waited for more.  Please, Lord.  And we got busy with our paperwork.

But days passed.  And weeks.  Over a month and no word.  I realized I’d gotten my hopes up for nothing.

Last night our church had a night of prayer and worship.  The band plays on and off and people read scripture and pray from the stage and all around the room.  People stand, sit, or kneel as the Spirit moves.  I was so mad at myself for the first hour and a half that we were there.  My thoughts were consumed with the adoption.  I didn’t want that to be my sole focus...I’ve worked so hard to keep it from being an idol in my life...to find a healthy balance between wishing for this child and being focused on the here and now.  But after being there a while, I figured I may as well tell the Lord how I felt.  I begged him for something, anything.  Any little piece of news.  I asked him the burning question.  The one I repeatedly have to push down and out of my heart and mind.  “How long, Lord???”

After I was honest with the Lord, I moved on.  I prayed and worshipped.  It was so peaceful and God’s Spirit was so present.

When I left I called Kyle (who had left early to take Matthew to bed).  He asked, “Have you checked your email?”

Videos.  Pictures.  Medical information.  A birthday.  A name.  All arrived in my inbox around the same time I was begging the Lord to give us some little piece of movement!

Wait, wait, wait.  Now hold on with your excitement.  This is terrifying!  It isn’t a referral---just information to find out if we are interested (DUH).  We aren’t even approved and registered to adopt in their country yet!  There are so many pieces that have to fall in place.  So. Many. Pieces.

Please pray!  Pray for this child.  This child who has a name and a gender and a story who is known and loved by God!  Pray for health and comfort.  Pray for caregivers.

Pray for our hearts, that we would stay focused on the Lord.  If this doesn’t go the way we hope, our faith in God is what will help us continue on the path he has set out for us.  And if it DOES go the way we hope, he will be the one to walk us through the life changes ahead!

And would you just ask...would you beg a little...that this would be it?  That this child would be the one?  That we would see God work his wonders in this adoption?

Do me a favor and don’t ask us about the child yet.  We have been trusted with information that is not ours to share, so please make it easy on us and don’t ask.  This information here is all we will be sharing for a while.  Also, while Matthew does know that we are switching countries, he does not know anything about the child.  He asks weekly about getting a sibling, and we would like to spare him some disappointment if this one is not the one.

We’ll keep you posted as we finish paperwork.  It will probably be a few months before anything can possibly happen because we have to be “official.”  Thank you for continuing to bear with us through this long and twisty road!

"Are you still doing that adoption thing?"

I'm baaaaack!

I know it has been a while since I posted!  I know it is time to post because in the last two months I've had MANY conversations that have started like this...

"I hope its okay for me to ask....how's the 'adoption thing' going?  Are you still doing that?"

So, I figure it's time to give an update.  But first--Why the 10 month break?  

Those of you who have been following for a while probably read the last post, Sifted.  The summer of 2016 presented some serious obstacles for our adoption.  We had to switch agencies ~again~, almost adopted a precious boy from Ethiopia before realizing it wasn't going to work out, and then thought we would go for a biological child only to have a miscarriage.  Our family was going through several other health challenges at the time, too, and life generally felt like a total letdown.

After our miscarriage, I threw myself into my work.  I love to teach and the Lord used the kids in my class last year to point me to the reality that life was already a letdown for many kids even as young as elementary school.  I also realized that over the past few years our adoption (or rather, lack of adoption) had really begun to consume me.  

Soooo, as the year progressed, we worked on a home study update---but took our time.  We made changes (looking to adopt up to 2 kids, up to age 5), but we weren't frantic about the timeline.  We got yet another immigration approval, but didn't stress about how long it would take to receive.  We got everything translated~~again~~but didn't wonder how long it would take.

By the way---last time we got translations it took 9 months.  This time? ONE month.

Instead of updating the blog along the way, we talked about our baby steps with family and close friends.

We are currently back to the waiting process.  The state committee in Baku has told our agency that they will be working on a referral for us soon...which is probably the most promising thing that we have heard from them so far.  But I can't say that the news has really made a difference in our lives.  The truth is, our hope is in the Lord.  If He plans to bring this adoption to completion, He will.  

In January I wrote in my prayer journal, asking ~begging~ the Lord to show me how to have hope again.  So many of my plans have been utterly destroyed over the years.  But my hope was in those plans.  My hope was in God making those plans happen for me.

A little backwards, ya know?

Somewhere along the way...without any fanfare or sign from above...somehow that hope began to live in my heart again.  But my hope is different. Better. Our hope is in the Lord. In knowing that He has plans for our lives.  Trusting that when Kyle and I ran into each other on the quad in Tuscaloosa, Alabama and fell in love over fried chicken and Alabama football, God knew then the obstacles we would face.  God knew he would call us to an impossible adoption.  God knew that my plans of three kids before age 30 would never happen.  God knew the health challenges we would face. He knows the dark days that will visit us again sometime down the road.

When we first held Matthew in our arms, God knew from that first breath that Matthew would face obstacles, too.  Even in his young life with his tender heart.  God knew the curve balls that would come, the curve balls still ahead.

He knew when Robin first held Kyle.  When my mom first held me.  Our hope is in trusting that God holds the whole world.  My whole world, your whole world.  He holds our todays and our tomorrows.  

He also holds our little one...or little ones.  When a woman delivered the kids we will one day adopt, he knew the chaos that would unfold for each little life.  He knows the day we will all be united!

Will we ever actually adopt from Azerbaijan?  I have no idea!  I HOPE so!  But it is a hope anchored in the Lord...not in my plans.

I can tell you what I do know!  God will build our family.  There will be more kids in this big house.  Kyle and I will one day look across the table at each other~~just about to reach the end of our rope in frustration~~and we will suddenly realize we are wonderfully outnumbered, just like we wanted.  God loves adoption. I believe He will build our family through adoption.  In His time. By His power.

Sifted

I really can’t count the number of times I have started this post.  I get a few lines in...a paragraph...and then I stop.  And erase it.

I’ll just tell you now--there’s a lot to say here.  So I’m guessing that once I get the words out there will be a lot of words.  You’ve been warned.

When we reached the decision to adopt in April 2012, I had an idea of how this whole adoption thing would go down.  Paperwork, lots of waiting, a few hiccups, referral, boom! Family of four!  We wanted to share the journey with you because we assumed God would do some crazy awesome things and we wanted people to know how crazy awesome our God is.  We felt compelled to be real and raw and honest in our posts because we believe that as Christ followers we should be honest.  It’s easy when you are a pastor/pastor’s wife to look around and find yourself placed on a pedestal simply because of the job title---not because you have done anything special to earn that place.  Kyle and I are blessed to be a part of a small group that has seen us as we truly are and still seem to like us.  I mean, they keep coming over week after week, so that’s a good sign...right?  These people have been in my home when it is at its cleanest and dirtiest.  They have seen us sacrifice for each other but also argue with each other.  They’ve been around for our parenting wins and major losses.  They have seen us place our faith in God again and again and they have listened to us when we’ve asked the hard questions about His plans.  They’ve been around when we laughed until we cried and they’ve been there when we’ve cried until we laughed.  I can tell you that we couldn’t have made it through the last year without these people holding us up.  

We are real people when our small group is around, and I try to keep it real here on this blog, too.  Not because I want to, though.  To be clear….I am quite the introvert.  If I know I’m going to be in a situation where I have to talk to a lot of people that I don’t know well I actually make a mental list of conversation topics!  Yes, I’m serious.  Yes, I know I married a pastor and people I don’t really know talk to me all the time.  Small talk is hard for me!  But one on one deeper conversation?  That I can do.  So this whole sharing my heart with the Facebook world bit is not easy for me.

So why do I keep doing it?  Back to the being real thing.  Just because Kyle is a pastor and I am his wife does not mean that things like faith and wisdom and understanding the Lord come easier to us.  It turns out that faith is hard sometimes.  It turns out that God’s ways are confusing and complicated and trusting Him often looks crazy.  I really prefer to update this blog when there is something positive to say, something that at least points to hope.  It’s much harder for me to write when hope seems lost.

These past few months have been very difficult for our little family.  Bad news has been rolling in and updating has seemed too hard.  But it is time for us to open the window and be real with you.  So brace yourself...I’m taking the “church face” off.

In August while on vacation at a secluded cabin in the no cell phone service woods, we managed to receive an email and a voicemail from our adoption agency.  We learned that for a third time we would need to find a new agency.  Our agency was too small to maintain the financial requirements outlined by the Hague agreement.  That wasn’t the only implication, though.  The other issue is that there was no other agency that has an adoption program in Azerbaijan.

The end of the line.

As we drove home from that vacation, we discussed our options.

Give up?

Try to have a biological kid?

Adopt from China?

We began to look at other agencies and wondered how to explain all of the Azerbaijan stuff in our home.

The puzzle with a photograph taken in Azerbaijan by an Azeri-American.

The canvas painted by a friend with an outline of Azerbaijan.

The vase, slippers, hats, and snow globe purchased for us in Azerbaijan.

The ornaments with the Azerbaijan cut out inside.

Were we wrong all along?  But it always seemed so clear!

Within a week we got a call.  There was another agency.  If we still wanted to pursue Azerbaijan, the agency we worked with in 2013-2014 was opening their program again.  And they wanted to talk.

Trust had been broken before with this former agency, but after a lengthy conversation, many things were cleared up.  They couldn’t guarantee any progress would be made, but they would try.

Perhaps another week passed...I’m not sure.  And the phone rang.

We want to tell you about a little boy in Ethiopia.  You are home study ready...he could be yours if you just update your home study to say “Ethiopia.”

And they sent us his picture.  His sweet face with liquid brown eyes and short, curly hair.  Wearing pink in every picture.  They sent us his name and his history and how could we say no?  How could anyone say no to a child in need of a home?

But the road would be long because Ethiopia is no walk in the park.  

So we said yes and emailed our home study agency.  We explained the situation and what we needed to make a match official.  Just change the word “Azerbaijan” to “Ethiopia.”

Nope.  The answer was no.  You see, the adoption situation in Ethiopia is very fragile right now.  Laws are changing.  Very few agencies have programs in Ethiopia open right now.  And each agency is matched to a specific orphanage in the country.  Our home study agency and our placing agency both have programs in Ethiopia...but they are matched to different orphanages.  And the home study agency has a policy against providing home studies for Ethiopia for families using different placing agencies.

Which means we would need a new home study agency.  Which means we were not “home study ready.”  Which means the liquid brown eyes needed to be passed along to another family who would be ready more quickly.

It is probably weird to admit this, but although this situation should have devastated us, it really didn’t.  It was disappointing--absolutely.  Annoying, sad, frustrating.  Feeling like we came so close only to have it taken away.  But deep down, in the deepest parts where we think and feel things but we are afraid to say them out loud---in those places we never really thought he would be ours.  His face never haunted my dreams.  

So as September rolled in, we took a deep breath and turned our attention back to Azerbaijan...where nothing was happening.  Nothing at all.

And then we got some good news.  Great news!  The best kind of news---a plus sign!  A positive pregnancy test!  And perfect timing, too!  Baby would be due in June--just as the school year draws to a close here in Virginia.  Matthew was thrilled!  So much to look forward to!

And unlike “adoption pregnancies,” these kinds of pregnancies...the biological kind...have expiration dates!  Give or take a week or two, you know that kid HAS to come out!  Praise the LORD!!!

It didn’t last long, though.  I don’t know why these things are so very hard for women to talk about, but can I tell you, until I experienced a miscarriage I had no idea that I was surrounded by other women who had experienced the same?

I had suspected for a couple of weeks that something was wrong.

In the midst of my happiness, my joy over expecting new life, I always wondered if God would really say yes this time.  Wondered if it would end this way.

And as I helped a group of my 5th graders work on their book reports, I knew it was over.  I knew I’d have to leave early.  Call my doctor.  

After an ultrasound it was confirmed.  The words are permanently burned in my mind.

“Your womb is empty now.”

The anger.  The confusion.  Lord, WHY was this even necessary?!?!  Have I not proven to you time and again that I will follow you?  I am so angry, so very angry the words aren’t even available to explain the anger!  But I still choose YOU.  You know I do.  I don’t much want to talk to you, but I still choose You.

That was all I could pray for a while there.

I still choose You.

I don’t understand You.

But I still choose You.

That was about a month and a half ago now.  And sharing this with Facebook land scares me to death.  I tried to convince myself that this isn’t really part of our adoption journey so I shouldn’t include it at all...But the thought won’t leave.  It’s as if the Lord keeps whispering it in my ear.  Be Real, Be Raw, Be Honest.

Can I just say something that some of you learned a long time ago, some of you are with me now, and some of you will learn in the future?

Sometimes the road is long.  Sometimes the journey is hard.  Sometimes the light is dim and the dark is scary and you feel lost.  Sometimes the next step has to be taken in pitch black darkness and you don’t know where your foot will land.  Sometimes you yell at God.  Sometimes you tell Him you don’t understand.  Sometimes you yell and you scream and you cry and you beg and you try to turn away.  Sometimes you find yourself holding your only child who is sobbing in your lap because he was so excited to get a sibling and you demand that the Lord tell you WHY.

And sometimes

He doesn’t.  Sometimes he doesn’t tell you.  Sometimes all you can hear is that still, small voice saying, “One more step.  Trust me.  Take another step.  Trust me.  Keep going.  Trust me.”

And when you cry and yell and scream---He lets you.  And then he sends people to you with stories like yours...stories of adoption and miscarriage and anger.  Stories of hope and redemption and unexpected provision.  He sends people with Chinese food and Chick fil a and groceries and the Melting Pot and a cozy scarf and cute earrings and a coloring book and and and and.

Can I do a shameless plug for small group?  Be in a group of people who you can be real and true with.  Cause the ones who stick around for your crazy are the same ones who stick around for your heartbreak.  

So here we are.  Our hearts are healing.  We are trusting the Lord.  We are hanging up that extra stocking for the 5 time this year.  We have an ornament on our tree.  We are updating our homestudy to adjust the age range...and the number of children.

We are willing to adopt two kids up to age 5 ½.  

Thank you for clicking on this post...for still following along after four and a half years!  Send prayers our way---we certainly need them!

I’ll leave you with this verse that God laid on Kyle’s heart the day before our miscarriage:

“Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  

But I have prayed for you...that your faith may not fail.  

And when you have turned back,

strengthen your brothers.”

Luke 22:31-32

We’ve been sifted, are still being sifted, but our faith has not failed.  

Be Still

I know I need to write an update on our adoption, but it is hard when there is nothing to report.

Nothing.

If you’ve been following along, in February we learned that things are essentially at a stand-still in Azerbaijan.  That hasn’t changed.  We did attempt to move things along by asking for permission to send the agency’s liaison to visit an orphanage in hopes of identifying a child available for international adoption and requesting that child be registered.  The answer was a big, fat NOPE.  So, we’ve been waiting and praying and living.

We have decided--with Matthew starting KINDERGARTEN in the fall that I will be returning to work as a teacher (YAY!!!!).  I’ve had a few people ask if I’m nervous about my little one starting kindergarten and I tell them--Nope!!  I’m just going to go with him! ;)  I’m so very glad the Lord saw fit to bless Kyle and I with that little bundle of awesomeness five years and one week ago.  He has had us smitten ever since!  We still look at him every.single.night. before we go to bed...is that weird??

So I’m keeping myself busy around the house trying to complete all the projects I know I won’t have time for during the school year.

Discouragement over the adoption definitely pops up occasionally.  But God has this incredible way of knowing what we need when we need it.  I wasn’t really planning to share this whole story but here my fingers go typing it…

Last week--the day of Matthew’s birthday--was one of those days where lots of people wanted to know how things were progressing with the adoption.  I got to share several times during the day that nothing, no, nothing, nope, not a thing is happening.  Please don’t misunderstand me here, guys, I don’t want you to be afraid to ask how things are going with our adoption!  When people ask I know they care about us and our little one and that means the world to us!  But giving bad news repeatedly is still difficult, in spite of the encouragement of knowing how many care!  So by the time we went to bed that night I was feeling the discouragement pretty heavily.  As I was trying to sleep, I was essentially yelling at the Lord in my heart.  Why? When? How LONG, Oh, LORD?  I asked if he just wanted us to switch to a different country.  One that processes adoptions more frequently, one where we would be less likely to have such trouble.  Just tell me!  Just make it clear!  Just lead our hearts to another country and we will do the stupid paperwork again if you ask us to!!

I fell asleep somewhere in the midst of that pity party prayer.  The next morning it was wet.  AGAIN.  Cause this year in Virginia spring really means RAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I was trying to get a couple of things finished in the morning before heading to the church where I am the Middle School Ministry’s very best volunteer (it helps that I’m married to the MS pastor, too…).  And I got a message from a sweet lady I knew through my teaching days a few years back.  She wanted to bring me something.  

You guys.  The way the timing of all this worked out was such a proof of how sweetly and gently God can correct and love my wandering heart.

She told me she knew someone who had been in Azerbaijan recently and she asked them to pick up a few things for us.  She tried to tell me it was no big deal...but to us it was everything.   We needed that encouragement desperately!  I fell asleep asking God to make it soooo clear where he wants us to adopt from.  What country?!  Lead our hearts somewhere!!!  And there, the very next morning standing in my driveway on a rainy day was the answer, clear as a bright sunshiny day.  A snow globe of a famous Azerbaijani monument, an exquisite vase handcrafted in Azerbaijan, a pair of knitted child’s slippers, and two traditional hats.  Sweet gifts from a sweet lady, used by God to whisper to our hearts “Wait for the Lord.  Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord.”

And so (as you’ve heard me say a bazillion times over the last four years) we wait.  We hope.  We move forward living life and serving the Lord the best we can in our broken, weak way.  We pray.  We wonder.  We imagine.  We surrender.  We sit back and let the Lord work through this process.

And He?  He loves.  He loves us, Matthew, our little one.  He draws us to Him.  He reveals himself to us in the wait.  He shows us the dark spaces in our hearts that we need to surrender to Him.  He encourages us.  He is fighting for us.  And what is impossible for us is easy to Him.  

It could be years.  It could be months.  It could be days.  However long this takes, we will continually, daily open our hands and give the plans in our hearts and minds up to the Lord and allow him to choose the path our lives take.  Thank you for checking in on us.  We are so thankful to be surrounded by so many family, friends, and I’m realizing--strangers!! who encourage us and pray for our little one daily.